Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Firmly Grasp Your Staff, Brave Cleric

Or… how my group's humor operates on the level of an 8th grader

In classic D&D, Moldvay BX, the staff of healing is the best early magic item in the game, able to bestow a cure light wounds to each person once per day - no charges, no bookkeeping, it just keeps on working.  The thing is money.  In a party of characters and retainers, that could be a dozen cures a day!

But let's not overlook the other benefit - touching everyone in the group with the magic staff each day provides an endless supply of dick jokes.

Let's see, it started with simple snickers and giggles months ago whenever the cleric said things like this:

"I will touch him with my staff."
"Let me whip out the staff and lay it on you."

After 8-10 months of having the staff of healing around, the dick jokes never seem to get old to the players.

I brandish the staff in my hand...
Slip him the wood, Brother...
...Come, rub your hands on my magic staff and be healed.
I will bestow the gift of the wood...
Let me whip out my staff and take care of that for you…
Touched again with the magic wood...
Magic wood to the rescue...

They took it to a new high (low?) the other night with these choice innuendoes:

Phat Kobra the dwarf held off getting healed until they were turning in for the night, then he finally said:

"Make sure you give me the magic staff before bed, I want to wake up healed and refreshed."  Snickers all around.

Then, after the cleric healed himself with the staff:

"You can do it to yourself?"

"Oh yes, when it comes to working the staff, sometime it's best just to take it into your own hands.  I slide my hands on the staff and it works just as well on me as it does on you."

The cleric player was laughing the whole time he said that one.  Yep, playing D&D with 40 year olds, with the humor of a bunch of 13 year olds.  Unfortunately, pretty soon the (actual) 9 year olds at the table are going to figure out what all the 'staff of healing' laughter has really been about.

I don't look forward to the day the party gets a Rod of Lordly Might.


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  2. This reminds me of my players' jokes with a ring of regeneration ("my preciouss" was just the beginning) and how wicked they became because "don't worry, in the end we can always grow that face back" (before bashing the bard's face against a stone wall to scrub off yellow mold).

  3. The ring of regeneration has some serious creative abuse value - both funny stuff (players awfully cavalier about losing limbs) and dark - beating folks up, regenerating them, and doing it again.

    Seeing your name (Tzimisce) I ran a WOD game for a long time for a group of mostly Tzimsce Sabbat - :shiver: - the old Transylvania Chronicles Campaign - they did many bad things.

  4. I love it! Recently a player's character wanted to snatch a viper and plop it into a sack. The ensuing sack and snake jokes were unreal.

    "Check out my sack! Can you believe the serpent that goes with it? Yes!"

    I was unable to tight the cart for quite some time...

  5. That so sounded like my group growing up. I have female friends that say every guy really stops maturing at age twelve and everything we do that hides that is for show....sometimes I have to think they might be on to something.

  6. I have no idea what you are talking about, as my party did not take a break during our all-day gaming session this Monday and laugh and laugh about my bonnacon post. No, sir.